Moms have to deal with some pretty gross stuff. Some things you’re prepared for – like poopy diapers and runny noses. But then there are the things you might not have thought about before pushing that baby out of you. Things like the disgusting nub of umbilical cord that is hanging onto your baby’s belly button by a single gross thread and makes you want to gag when you see it. Or when you’re dying of thirst and take a huge gulp from your glass, only to realize your toddler got hold of it and the glass is filled with more backwash and goldfish crumbs than actual water. And don’t forget the floaters you have to fish out of the bathtub when your kid takes a huge poop during bath time.
Yep – moms’ lives are so glamorous. No wonder we see so many jokes and memes about moms drinking wine! And you know what goes great with wine?
Well, moms – you’re in luck! You don’t even have to make another miserable trip to the grocery store with your kids in tow, pushing around that f***ing huge car shopping cart while you shove snacks at your kids to keep them quiet and entertained. You can find cheese in your own home! All you need to do is to look for those sippy cups of milk that disappear all over your house. You know the ones – the cups that reappear days later with disgusting, rotten milk. We’re talking milk that’s more spoiled than your rich neighbor’s kid with the private school tuition that cost more than your mortgage, and who owns not one, but two ponies. Milk that isn’t milk at all anymore. It’s finely aged cheese.
My kids are notorious for losing sippy cups. Trying to get them to keep the cups in one central place in our house is a lost battle. And there have been times when I’ve chucked the whole cup in the trashcan rather than cleaning out all of that gag-worthy spoiled milk. But most of the time, I hold my breath, open up the cup, and try not to blow chunks while I dump chunks of spoiled milk into the sink. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize the 5 distinct types of sippy cup cheese.
Here’s a list, from the mildest to the most pungent, moldy, bacteria-ridden types I’ve come across in my 5 years of motherhood:
1. Queso Stinko
Queso Stinko is a mild cheese, made from sippy cups that are dropped under the table during dinner and not retrieved until the next morning. The cheese is creamy and smooth and has a velvety texture. The scent is similar to a full basket of dirty baby onesies that have been doused in spit up.
Pairs well with the tortilla chips your kids crushed all over the kitchen floor.
2. Scream Cheese
Scream Cheese is aged for at least 3 days underneath the living room couch. This process creates a slightly chunky cheese that is full of curds. The aroma is reminiscent of a gym locker-room. When extracting this cheese from the sippy cup, you usually need to give the cup a few good shakes until the cheese falls into the sink, with a repulsive “plop.”
Pairs well with the hardened, half-eaten bagel found under the coffee table.
3. Car Aged Cheddar
Car Aged Cheddar has short aging process, usually just a day or two, but produces an extremely pungent cheese. The nutty, robust scent is just like dirty socks, and the cheese is usually hardened to a solid circular disk inside of the cup, which makes for a beautiful presentation on your cheese board.
Pairs well with the goldfish crumbs left in your kid’s car seat.
Hafarti is ripened in the sippy cups that somehow end up in the playroom toy baskets. The aging process varies from just a few days to a few weeks. (Basically whenever someone finally cleans up the playroom.) Hafarti is a robust cheese with a strong, earthy scent that starts to permeate through the playroom once it’s ripe. The odor is similar to raw sewage in the summer time.
Pairs well with the squishy, brown apple slices you find in a ziplock bag, also at the bottom of a toy basket.
Gagonzola ranks as the smelliest and moldiest type of sippy cup cheese. It has the longest aging process of at least a month, and is only grown in cups that hide underneath the minivan seats in the hottest months of the year. The scent is putrid, and even the most strong-stomached moms will feel a little nauseous when discovering a sippy cup full of Gagonzola. The smell hovers somewhere between barnyard animals and a landfill full of decomposing dirty disposable diapers. Gagonzola is not for the faint of heart.
Pairs well with…the trash can, antibacterial soap, and a shot of whiskey.
And if you fancy a drink with your cheese, just fill up another sippy cup with apple juice and leave it somewhere warm for a few weeks. You’ll have a delightfully tart cider to go along with your stinky sippy cup cheese!
So next time you find a sippy cup full of old milk, remember – one mom’s rancid sippy cup is another mom’s cheesy treasure!