My son was a difficult toddler. He was super strong-willed, and very aggressive and physical when he didn’t get his way. He really gave me a crash course in motherhood! When he was little, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I didn’t think any of the discipline techniques I was using were working for him. (But now he seems to be a well-adjusted 7-year-old, so I must have not screwed up too much! Lol! Seriously though, I’m SO proud of him these days.)
When he was going through that stage, I did so much research on discipline, behavior, and how to handle strong-willed, aggressive kids. I read books, talked to other moms, got advice from our pediatrician, and scoured Pinterest for tips. But there were a few things I picked up along the way that really helped me as far as how I handled my son’s aggression in public. Because it’s one thing to deal with an aggressive child all day at home, but it’s a whole different story when you’re out in public under other people’s judging eyes! It took me a loooong time to be able to ignore the dirty looks and the rude comments about my child’s behavior. The people with the strongest opinions about how I should have been handling him really thought they knew what was best. But I was his mama. I was with him all day. And I choose to follow my mother’s intuition and instinct. I eventually figured out what worked and what didn’t.
Toddler Graham was so cute…and such a handful!!!
Oh, how he’s grown!
I’m hoping this list of tips will help other moms with aggressive children. If that’s you, I want you to know you’re not alone. You’re doing an awesome job, mama!!! Follow your heart and discipline the way you feel you should. It takes a long time, but you’ll eventually see the fruits of your labor, and you’ll be so proud of who your child has become.
Practical Tips for Handling Your Aggressive Child in Public
1. Plan out consequences ahead of time.
Use whatever consequences work for your child. Know in your head what you will do before you leave the house. When my son was little and got aggressive with another child, I would physically restrain him in my lap until he calmed down. When he got a little older, he would lose out on iPad time or his favorite toy would go in toy-timeout if he was unkind to other kids.
2. Communicate expectations and consequences to your child.
On the way to a play-date or to the playground, we would talk about the right ways to treat our friends and the wrong ways to treat them. We would talk about really specific things (taking turns on the slide, climbing up the steps with friends, sharing toys, not hitting a friend, not pushing a friend, etc). I’d explain the way I wanted him to behave and we’d talk about the consequences if he got aggressive. I’d keep all the language simple and on his level.
3. Role-play situations with your child.
I always tried to use playtime as a chance to role-play and act out situations with my son. We would pretend his Elmo toy was a friend. I’d ask him what he would do if Elmo took away the truck he was playing with. Would he hit Elmo? Or would he use his words and ask for it back? What if Elmo didn’t give it back? Would he push Elmo? Or would he find Mama and ask for help?
4. Plan and practice what you will do and say in situations where your child has been aggressive.
I’m terrible at confrontation, hate being put on the spot, and hate negative attention. I felt so much anxiety ALL THE TIME when my son was young. Any time we left the house, I would worry about his behavior. So I started writing down what I might say in situations where he was aggressive towards other children. Having it planned out really helped me feel more confident that I could handle those situations, and helped me to feel less judged by other people that were around and watching everything happen. Because I may not have been able to control what my son did, but I COULD control what I did. Here’s an example of what I might do and say:
First I’d remove my son from the situation and restrain him or hold him until I was comfortable that he wouldn’t lash out again. Once he was calmer, I’d use an “I see you’re feeling” statement. (“I see you’re feeling angry. It’s ok to be angry, but you can’t hit. Can you tell me what happened? What did mama say would happen if you hit someone? Now you won’t have iPad time later/we’ll have to leave the playground/your favorite toy goes in toy time out. Can you think of what you should have done?”) Then I would ask my son to apologize to the other child (sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn’t) and I would apologize to the other mom and make sure her child was ok.
5. Stay as calm as possible.
It’s so hard not to get angry and blow up at your child. Especially when they exhibit the same behavior they’ve been doing for the past year and NEVER seem to learn it’s wrong! But the calmer you are, the more confident you’ll feel, and the more confident you’ll seem to your child and the other people around that are watching the situation.
6. Be super observant of your child in situations where you know he’ll become aggressive.
There were many years where I had to follow my son around the playground. It wasn’t fun, and definitely wasn’t relaxing! But I knew I needed to be observant and try to prevent situations where he might become aggressive. I also wanted to be nearby in case something happened so I could handle it. (I promise this doesn’t last forever! Now I get to sit on a bench while my kids play and don’t have to worry about someone hitting someone else.)
7. Be ready to leave situations quickly.
Some days are better than others. If I could tell that my son was just having a hard day, we would just leave. Better to head home than stay out in public when you know things aren’t going to go well.
8. Be selective of the other kids and parents you hang out with.
If you know your child has a hard time getting along with another child, don’t hang out with that family. I always felt it was better to offend someone by turning down offers to meet up at the playground or meet for a playdate than it was to spend the entire time anxious about how my child would behave, or refereeing situations where my child hit or pushed. Additionally, if there is a mom that makes you feel judged or doesn’t think you’re handling things right, there’s no need to hang out with them either! It’s ok to be selective of the people you choose to be around. Look for other moms with aggressive children or other moms who have similar parenting styles as you. They’ll know what you’re going through and you’ll feel much more confident around them.
Having an aggressive child is tough. It’s so hard to see the end of the tunnel when you’re dealing with the same behaviors over and over each day. But to all the mamas out there struggling like I was, I promise it gets easier. It’s a phase, and it will end. And on those bad days when it seems like nothing you are doing is helping and nothing is changing your child’s behavior, just keep loving your kid. Because in the end, that’s all that really matters!
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Practical Tips for Handling Your Aggressive Child in Public
