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Toddlers are a rare breed. All of a sudden, your sweet little baby realizes they have the power to make choices. And once they realize that, they start testing that power. Over and over and over, all day long…
Opinions, emotions, and tantrums, oh my!
I’m not a fan of toddlers.
Ages two and three are my least favorite ages so far. Especially since I seem to have been blessed with two very determined and persistent children. (That’s a nicer way of saying that my kids are as stubborn as mules.) My son was a particularly ornery toddler and had a blazing temper to go with his bullheaded personality. He would get so angry over everything and take his anger out in explosively physical ways. (Hitting, pushing, biting, etc.) Looking back, I am ashamed to admit that a lot of his anger was probably a result of seeing how I was reacting at the time. We had a new baby and I was deeply sleep-deprived and drowning in postpartum depression. I flew off the handle many times each day and yelled too much. I have so many regrets from that time, but we can’t change the past. And I’m so glad we made it through those years (hopefully) without any lasting damage.
Toddlers are experiencing so many emotions that they’re too young to really understand. They don’t know how to handle things, especially anger. We tried a lot of different discipline techniques with my son when he expressed his anger in physical ways. Most of the things we tried made him angrier and more physical. He learned to retaliate against us when we disciplined him. It was a terrible cycle – he would hit, we would discipline (take away a toy, put him in a time out chair, etc) and he would get even angrier and hit again. I felt a lot of judgment from other people at the time. I knew others were thinking that my son just needed a really good spanking and that would make him behave. But I knew that wasn’t going to work. I knew if we spanked, it would make him even angrier, more aggressive, and more likely to retaliate. And it wouldn’t solve anything. He wasn’t a “bad kid” that needed to “learn to respect his parents.” He was a toddler without the mental maturity to know how to deal with the big emotions he was feeling.
When he was three, we really started trying to help him learn to control his anger. We talked about emotions all the time. We talked about how we felt, we asked him to describe how he felt. I printed out a “calm down chart” for him with pictures of things he could do when he was angry. I focused on modeling good ways to handle anger. We read books about anger and emotions. We talked through hypothetical situations with him and asked him to tell us what he would do. We even bought a punching bag for him to take out his aggression. Now my son is 6, and I’m so proud of him. He’s really matured and can probably handle his anger better than I can!
Is your toddler having a hard time handling anger? Here’s a list of 5 ways to help your toddler handle anger:
Calm Down Chart
Even as adults, we all make bad choices when we’re angry. Anger has a way of blinding us and making us forget things. That’s why having a visual tool like this calm down chart is so helpful. Toddlers are still learning about emotions and ways to deal with them. They need help remembering that there are good ways to calm down and bad ways. (Taking a deep breath is good, hitting someone is bad.) We kept our “calm down chart” on our refrigerator. The moment I saw my son start to get angry, I’d stop him and we’d run over to the chart. It was fun for him at first – almost like a game. Just the act of going over to the chart would calm him down. He loved having a choice and getting to pick a way to calm down. And eventually, he would remember the ways without having to use the chart. Scroll down to print a calm down chart for your child.
Punching Bag
If your toddler needs an outlet for their aggression, a punching bag is a great tool. Here’s the one we had:
Role-Playing
Kids love to play pretend. Make up situations where you know your toddler would get mad, and talk them through them. Ask what they would do. Ask what a good choice would be. Ask what a bad choice would be. Ask what would happen if they made a bad choice.
Books
There are so many amazing books out there to help kids deal with emotions. Check out a few that we like:
Model Good Behavior
Make sure you’re modeling good ways to handle anger. I struggled with this until I addressed my postpartum depression and got it under control. Once I started to take care of my mental health, I could focus on keeping calm in situations when my children made me see red.
What other things do you do to help your toddler handle anger and other emotions?
