Mom Life Terminology: 10 Phrases You Need to Know When You’re a Mom

When you find out you’re expecting a baby, there’s a ton of new vocabulary to learn. (And most of it is pretty gross.) Amniotic fluid, afterbirth, bloody show, Braxton-hicks, colostrum, crowing, let-down, the list goes on and on. But even after your baby is born, there are still a few more terms you’ll need to familiarize yourself with. I call it “mom life terminology.” These are the terms you’ll hear from other down-to-earth mamas, like me. Moms that like to keep it real.

Mom Life Terminology: 10 Phrases You Need to Know When You’re a Mom

Mombie

A mombie is a dead-tired mom. A mom that was up at least 3 times the night before – feeding a newborn, cleaning up puke, changing sheets covered in pee, or calming a child that’s had a nightmare. You’ll recognize mombies in their stained yoga pants, dry shampoo, dark circles and bags under their eyes. The only thing that will cure a mombie and turn her back into one of the living is a Venti Coconut Milk Latte with two pumps caramel and extra whip from Starbucks (or other similar large coffee) and a nap. The male equivalent to a mombie is called “the walking dad.”

Dreadtime

Dreadtime happens right before bedtime. It refers to those last couple of hours after dinner, but before bed. The hours when moms and dads are exhausted and don’t want to spend any more time building with legos or changing a doll’s diaper for the 20th time. The kids, however, find a burst of energy and start bouncing off the walls and furniture and running laps around the house.

Smother-in-law

A smother-in-law is a mother-in-law that just doesn’t understand boundaries. One that stops by unannounced to give you unsolicited and unwanted advice. She’s overly involved and intrusive on all aspects of your life, from your children to your career to your marriage. If your mother-in-law is experiencing symptoms of a smother-in-law, you’ll need to change the locks, close your curtains, and pretend you’re not home when she stops by.

Code Brown

A code brown situation refers to when a potty-training toddler has pooped in his or her underwear. The correct way to clean up after a code brown is to trash the offended underwear. They’re not worth trying to clean, FYI.

Swagger Wagon

A swagger wagon is a mom’s minivan. If you hear kids songs playing, her kids are with her. If you hear gangster rap, she’s on her own for the day!

Sanctimommy

We all know at least one sanctimommy. She’s the type of mom that thinks she’s perfect, her kids are perfect, her hair is perfect, her life is perfect. And she has all the judgment for other moms who don’t do everything perfectly like she does.

Mom-tax

The mom-tax is the portion or bite of food taken from the child by the parent in return for a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and…oh yeah, life itself. The mom-tax also refers to the parents’ share of Halloween candy out of the kids’ buckets (usually the chocolate bars and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups).

Grandparent Detox

Grandparents are known for spoiling grandchildren. They feel it’s their job to let the kids do whatever they want, eat all the candy and chocolate they want, and wait on them hand and foot. The kids get away with anything and everything while they’re visiting with Grandma and Grandpa. Your children may be suffering from Grandparent detox if they have recently spent time with their grandparents. Symptoms may include hour-long tantrums about small, non-important issues, arguing about rules and routines, refusing to cooperate in any situation, delirium from lack of consistent bedtimes, and confusion about foods that aren’t made of sugar or high fructose corn syrup. Grandparents detox typically lasts twice as long as your child was with their grandparents. So if your child spent two days at Nana’s, expect them to behave like a monster for at least 4 days.

Walk-tail

A walk-tail is what moms and dads bring with them on long walks in the neighborhood. You may think you don’t need a walk-tail. Afterall, can’t you just wait and have a drink at home? But after 15 minutes of listening to the following: “She’s touching me! That’s my side of the stroller! I want the shade up! I want the shade down! The suns in my eyes! I’m bored! I’m hungry! I have to go potty! He’s touching me!” You’ll be wishing you had a cold one.

Mom-mosa

Morning playdates call for ice cold mom-mosas made from fresh out-of-the-juice-box orange juice, and the cheapest champagne you can find at Target. Not a big drinker? Try mixing orange juice and La Croix for a virgin version!

What are your favorite mom-life terms?

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