To be or not to be…

To be or not to be a young mom.

That is the question that’s been on my mind lately.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. When I met Josh in college and fell in love, my plan was to get married, teach, and have babies. But after a terrible student teaching experience, I decided not to use my teaching degree and go back to get my masters. So I put my “baby dream” on hold. After I graduated, I felt like I had worked so darn hard for that degree and I wanted to use it! So I looked for a job…and finally found one…even though it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. All my friends were starting their careers – and I wanted to fit in and start mine too! Plus, I had just gotten married and was enjoying being a newlywed. 🙂 We had dinner parties with friends, walks at the park, weekend trips, long vacations…we bought a house, painted, built a deck, gutted the kitchen, decorated, etc etc etc! Life was busy and moving at a super speedy pace! Also, no one I knew was having kids. That was the furthest thing from all my girlfriends minds! And I wasn’t thinking about them either.

But then…I got laid off. And it rocked my life. It shocked me to the core.

And I really started thinking about my life’s path. I really struggled with figuring out what my purpose was in life. I wasn’t meant to be a teacher. I wasn’t meant to have a corporate job. What was I supposed to do? What is God’s plan for me?

Around this same time, I found out that one of my friends from my old job got pregnant. (And she was just a year older than me!) That’s when I remembered how much I wanted to be a mom. It’s almost like that reminded me that it was ok to have a child young in life. Just because none of my friends were ready, doesn’t mean that everyone should wait until their 30+. And I remembered my dream from college – how I wanted to teach because of the awesome work schedule – a schedule that is great for working mothers. A schedule that would allow me to have a baby and be a young mom. I realized I had never given up on that dream of being a young mom…I had just put it on hold…forgotten about it…

After a few months of unemployment, I got the job I have now. But that desire – that wish to have a baby – it’s still there. Full and strong on my heart.

But now…well…I’m scared to take that jump. I’m not naive – I know that having a baby will change everything. My entire life will be different. I still don’t have any close friends that have children…and I’m scared to be the first. I’m scared I’ll be left out – I worry I wouldn’t get invited places…and that even if I did get invited, I wouldn’t be able to go because I had to stay home with the baby.

Plus, I have in my mind a “baby bucket list” of things I want to do before we have kids. Things that you shouldn’t do with kids (like a crazy weekend in Vegas) and things that I know we need to do NOW or we’ll never do them after we’ve had kids (like re-do the kitchen). But the longer I go wanting a baby…the less important many of those “baby bucket list” items become.

Yesterday, I stumbled across the quote below on this blog. It’s funny that it’s a quote from Steve Jobs…and I’m applying it to my wish to have a baby. 🙂 But it spoke to me.

“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
– Steve Jobs

Maybe I don’t need to listen to my friends – I know they feel they’re too young to have kids…but maybe that’s what’s right for them…but not for me. Afterall – I got engaged, married, and bought a house before most of my friends. And I had no issue jumping right in to those decisions. I didn’t care that I was the first – that’s what I wanted…so I did it! And I don’t regret anything!

As for following my heart – I know what it says. My heart speaks loud and clear anytime I see a picture of a baby. 🙂 And the fact that the items on my baby bucket list are becoming less important – I think that also speaks to what my heart is feeling.

And my intuition…well…that’s where I get lost. How do I know if I’m ready? I’ve been praying for God to tell me if that’s my plan – if I’m ready – if I’m supposed to be a young mom. And I haven’t seen any signs or felt any less-scared.

BUT (here’s my secret)  the one huge item on my baby bucket list – the one thing I really really wanted to do…

Well…I think we’re getting close to being able to do it!!!

Is that God’s way of telling me I’m ready? By allowing me to cross the biggest, most expensive, “most wanted” item off my list? I still have no clue.

So I’ll keep praying…and waiting…and dreaming about future Baby D. 🙂

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